Finding yourself back

 

After arguing with my husband last time, I felt depressed, angry and confused the next Morning. At first, I was angry...I angry that my husband giving me orders of what I should do, and him told me how I could never listened and doing something, this same conversation is over and over again.  I was angry because I don't think I will never change, the pressure he gave me made me felt bad about myself. But I don't want to let him win, I want to prove him I can make it happen. So I draw my first painting in 2020, also my first painting in 3 years. I drew the fisher wharf that I've seen everyday after quaranting at the hotel in Taiwan, it is simple and next to me everyday. And then I showed my husband I complished my very first task, proving that it is not just a word I say but I will keep doing it. The next thing I do is watching those inspirational videos, like always, I watched when I had breakfast or any meal. A while later, I found a news broadcasting a 50 year old lady who's been quanrantine for 13 days and just about to finish her last day of quarantine, died at her own self-quarantine house. That hit me, made me wonder what made this happened, I felt afraid and depressed, because I am at my last two days before my quarantine is over. Earlier before that, I did 15 mins workout, the dance work out that I enjoyed doing,  I remember every move, and I can keep up with the video while dancing. I've been watching it since two month before I flew to Taiwan. I want to make my body stronger and heathier so that I can defeat horrifying covid-19 exposure that every international traveler experience, some are lucky, but some got the virus, I felt that flying back to Taiwan right now is one of the most dangerous desicion I've every made. Of course I am afraid, I know that the key is your immue system so I worked so hard at the first week after I arrive in Taiwan, work out 30 mins to 2 hour everyday. At first, my body was so painful to move after an intense workout finishing, and the second week I felt my musle is getting used to it, my heart is a log stronger than before, all working very well to finish each task, however, when I was trying to finish very easy 15 mins workout this afternoon, my breath couldn't catch up with, I was weird out about myself and then I saw the title of news that 50 year old lady's news, I was in shock, and thinking that it could happen to any of us and I need to be more careful. The news was just too frightenging, I have to calm myself down and find the peace back to me again, so I do meditation and yoga. Suddenly I felt I am finally releaseing all my soreness of my body and then I felt peaceful. I appreciate my body give me the stregth to continue all my workout during those time, and I apologize to my body that I did not warm up or cool down my body after workout. A lot of thoughts flys to me after I processed all of the information in my brain, I realize the practice I do in quarantine makes my body different and I have to keep doing it until it becomes a habbitual thing. I drew at first, I meditate second, I now began writing. While I was processing myself during the meditation, I found my soul fly out of my body and traveling to the most beautiful places in Taiwan, a lot of memory with Wesley of our lifes, the cute little house of ourselves came to me...I think I miss my husband. But the argument happening from last night made me not want to talk to him even though I want to talk to him and listen to him. Before I write this diary, I wrote the thing I used to love when I was a child and before I get married. I know I stopped doing things I used to love, I forget the passion of my life, just being lazy and tired because of long hours of working, only buy expensive skin care products to take care of myself. I did not take care of myself, I take care of finance, I paid off my car, I have more saving and income, but I am not happy, I feel lost, I think I know why now. Four year of marriage life and five year of different lifestyle changed me, I was from no money, no friends and not knowing where to go, how to continue my hobbies, to now I can access anything and everything, but the thing to stop me is myself, the self that love to create excuses. Well, it's time to make changes, I fly  all the way back to Taiwan, to where I missed the most, in here, I can find myself back, along time makes me ponder, I will travel and explore more of myself, and return to states with stronger personality and become a better version of myself. That smiling, healthy and confident self.